Overlooked and Underestimated

option

2012-02-12T18:59:00.001-08:00

Tired of always being an option ...... so fucking tired of it!!!!

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one step closer to the edge and im about to ......

2011-12-31T10:41:00.001-08:00

BREAK!!!

Tired of always being the fuck buddy .... damn it.

But new years festivities are in order even I would rather be with a certain person Ahh oh well shenanigens are in order.

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tis the season for heartache .....

2011-12-10T08:10:00.001-08:00

So tired of the bullshit. Why do I care for those that don't care back? Yes once again it is the season to be with those you love and oh yes wait I don't have that. Fanfuckingtastic. All I want for christmas is you.

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needs a reason

2011-04-09T12:55:00.001-07:00

SERIOUSLY!! Is there someone out there?!?! I want to know there really is a reason to still be here ......

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pick me, choose me, LOVE ME

2011-04-08T17:34:00.001-07:00

I am absolutely pathetic. I sit at home every night. I dream about the past and wish for the future. Ughh this FUCKING SUCKS!! I love him, I fucking deserve him, no one else does. No one deseres to take my heart away from me. Not again.
NOT FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME. What is so fucking wrong with me? I deserve better than this. I deserve to be happy with whomever I so choose I have made my choice.

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strong enough?

2011-02-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

I’m not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you
I just run back to you.
Like a moth im drawn into your flame,
Say my name, but it's not the same.
You look in my eyes I’m stripped of my pride.
And my soul surrenders
and you bring my heart to its knees

And it's killin’ me when you're away,
i wanna leave and i wanna stay
I’m so confused,So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if i try to win the fight,
my heart would overrule my mind
And I’m not strong enough to stay away

I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
i would die without you
in your presence my heart knows no shame
im not to blame
cause you bring my heart to its knees

And it's killin’ me when you're away,
i wanna leave and i wanna stay
I’m so confused,So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if i try to win the fight,
my heart would overrule my mind
And I’m not strong enough to stay away

There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love did to me

And it's killin’ me when you're away,
i wanna leave and i wanna stay
I’m so confused,So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if i try to win the fight,
my heart would overrule my mind
And I’m not strong enough to stay away

My heart is hurting again. I thought I got rid of it but my mind got the best of me again. And what is even worse I got upset after watching House. The patient died and the wife realized she didn't want anything but him. I don't want to die without "him". Fucking ass .............

shit shit shitty and even more shit

2011-01-24T14:56:00.001-08:00

Im at a loss for words all I can say os this is all shit. Shitty day. Shitty week. Shitty job. Shitty personal life do to some stupid shit in the mind of someone that obviously doesn't give a shit. What the fuck is wrong with me .... wait that was a different word. What have I done wrong? What have I don't to deserve all this SHIT?!?!?!?!

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new life

2011-01-21T18:36:00.001-08:00

I am once again in need of a change. Once again I have failed miserably at my attempt of a relationship. And once again it is all "my fault". I must really be the worst girl ever.

I find it disturbing that with all the shit I've endured over the years and the things I have let go and forgave people for, James still can't let go of the whole brad thing. Even though this ENTIRE time we have been together he has lied to me even about the smallest thing like smoking. What else has he lied about?

Im glad everyone from my past is happy and coupled up now they all deserve to be happy but do I ever get a chance to have a desent relationship where I have communication, honestly, loyalty, no threat from any other girl, is this possible so someone to just love ME???

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not deserving

2010-10-18T21:49:00.001-07:00

I was told tonight that a little 18 year old had said i wasn't deserving of what i use to have. That's funny coming from a girl that not even 6 months ago tried to kill herself by taking pills. Really? Come on now! Are you that deprived of attention that you have to try something so selfish and not even try to succeed. Anyway back to the deserving part. I was told tonight she had said every other girl did not deserve to be with this certain person. So it got me thinking. What do i deserve. These past couple of years i have cried many tears of what i was sure i didn't deserve, getting laid off, losing a job, being alone, being miserable, being used, missing people, and the list can go on for days. There can't be an answer on what we all really deserve we just have to take it day by day i have told myself. I know i deserve to be happy with my own decisions, find someone that isn't out to use me until something better comes along, i deserve to have the butterflies in my stomach again one day, i deserve to find a job that im not afraid everyday will be my last and where i can take care of people, i deserve to have friends that will stay close no matter what. And last i deserve to be happy!!

Ok im off my soapbox back to the earth i fall.

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hopeless romantic

2010-10-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

why as women do we watch these sappy movies and read these books that end in happily ever after? Is there really such a thing? Or does hollywood just feed off our hope and need to believe that true love really exists? We watch all these movies and cry and always say "why can't that be me?" So many movies where the guy always gets the guy or the prince rides in on his white horse and whisk the girl off her feet.... sigh
Twice I thought maybe my prince had come, butterflies and all. Not since then have I had feelings like that what so ever, just let down. I have realized the ones I thought were my knights in shinning armor turned out not to be so great, I turned out just to be there "lady in waiting" until their princess came a long. Ugh!
I guess maybe one day I can believe in "true love" and happiness. I want to believe!

giving up

2010-05-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

The day I give up on love is the day I take my last breath ....

Men suck. I'm stuck in da ja vue land an alternate universe of the same shit over and over. Not real sure but I'm thinking James and I are over yet again. But for some reason I'm not crying at all. I believe I have hit that point of who the hell cares. He wants to be all about himself not caring about others so be it. He wants to talk to his ex and her family all the time for at least 30 minutes when I'm right there with him, but not tell me a damn thing. He wants to buy an expensive truck to pull his horses to the mountains but not look at a house. He doesn't talk to me about anything I have to find out from others. Well then SO BE IT. FUCK IT. Maybe I can do better as everyone says maybe I can't. Who cares?!?! I'm really starting to think it is me that is causing all the issues, I mean it must be because every time I get close to someone they pull away. Guess I'm meant to be single. Yep that's it. Now that is settle on to something else........

2010-01-14T13:24:00.001-08:00

Take back now my life you're stealing ...

Today I'm fine without you, runaway this time without you, and all that you've put me through I'm holding but letting go of you

I've been thinking about you too much

2009-10-28T16:25:00.001-07:00

So I have been doing a whole lot of thinking. What is the point in this life? To continuously get disappointed, to continuously get your heart crushed. To be used by people that dont give a shit about anyone else but themselves. To be constantly lied to by people you have known and cared about even loved for a really like time. Really, what is the point?

Brad is a douche what a waste of time, effort and my heart. Oh well fuck him and the other one too.

2009-10-23T19:51:00.001-07:00

But you can only be strong so long before you break

With friends like these who needs enemies

2009-10-19T15:46:00.001-07:00

Lies, lies, lies that is all I hear. I'm tired of it. Some friends you have turned out to be. You go back the ones that are terrible for you, go on be married again because that is what she wants in your hate/love relationship. Or you shut out your friends for a trashy drunk. Or you completely shut out your best friend because she doesn't want to support your decision to go back to the guy that is only around because he is lonely and single.

I need a job, I need a job, I need a job. I want a job!!! I have too much time to think, it is making me do stupid shit, like fake feelings to make someone else happy when it is not what I want. Ugghhh why can't I find an actual good guy that isn't full of shit or out to get something. FUCK!!!!

I need something to do.

Is it in you now, To barely hear the truth that you have spoken?

2009-10-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

"Is it in you now,
To watch the things you gave your life to broken?

I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family."

Am I a bad person because I didn't really want to tell my ex happy birthday? I shouldn't really be this worried about it because of the asshole he really is and shit was. Damn Mike for bringing him up on Friday and making me remember what time of year it is and all the shit he pulled around his birthday all those years. Oh well fuck him. Uggh what a week. I haven't gotten any calls for a job, rather disappointed. I hate bed bath and bullshit. And well that is about it. Nothing new and exciting just my usual rambling. I went by the medical clinic Friday afternoon and talked to Mike for about an hour, man sometimes I miss him drilling me. Question after question. It always gets me thinking?!? Good or bad thing, I'm not entirely sure. A lot of shit has happened over this past year. Just a lot of SHIT. People have come and gone some I truly miss and hate the decisions they have made but that is them. I guess. Times were fun. I remember about this time last year. I went out with Cory for Ev's birthday. That was a blast!! Oh well shit stinks until you flush it.

Oh WELL.

sea of uncertainty

2009-10-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Yep so I'm unemployed again. Hooray :( The dermatologist laid me and 5 others off on Friday. I'm not taking it too well. I am beyond frustrated at this point. I don't want to be out of a job, especially one I really enjoyed. Why the ones that actually want and need to work are the ones that get laid off? Questions that won't get answered I suppose. I have sent out some resumes and not one response. Its hard to be optimist this time. I was doing well the first time back in February but now it is a little different. The others aren't taking it well either. Poor Robin she was an office manager and had no warning at all. She is having enough problems, her mom is still not doing well, her husband is ailing, and she just lost her father a few months ago.

I found out from Lil Red some disturbing news, while eating a huge mound of nachos with my sister at Champps. Brad really is a dick. It is more obvious now he is miserable. He did it to himself. Brad use to talk to Lil Red's now ex girlfriend, they would "talk" to each other with the webcam and they did stuff for the other to watch. That is sick. He is in a relationship with an "it" that lives with him and she was with Lil Red. Dirty dirty people. She must not be a great as he thought. Ha ha.

I need a good job that I enjoy again and a vacation!! Some place warm would be amazing. Good company would be a plus as well. Any takers!!

2009-09-27T10:08:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I lived with the hope that you would come to your senses and realize how good things were and would have been. I don't know why I hoped Thomas was right. I don't know why I had hoped you would get rid of her and try with me. Oh well hope is just a lie that we use to make ourselves feel better. I'll be content with you just living in my dreams from here on out since there is no use and trying anything else can't even hang out as a friend.

ah shit

2009-09-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

well i guess I lost a friend, but oh well, I'm tired of lies and drama. A friendship or even a relationship can't work without honesty. I miss the old days. I was looking at pictures earlier of halloween last year. Sigh. With someone that I still care about and with people i thought were friends.

drama really?

2009-09-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well I came back from the beach early to spend time with my family and get some stuff done, and I come to pinehurst to a whirlwind. I have had a few revelations. Men are attracted to drama, even after "the chase", friends don't have to always know everything or deter us from the decisions we make just be there to pick up the pieces, and I have too much shit going through my head.
Friends don't always have to know all the deep dark secrets that we keep. They don't have to know everything because we will sometimes deter people from doing stuff we think is not good for us. Although most of us will do what what we think is right. Eventually the truth will always come out in the end, we just have to be ready for it and be there to pick up the piece when our friend had made the wrong choice even when we knew it was wrong. Everyone does what they think is right at the moment. Sarah trying for Tim. Brad dating Jordan. Cory dating Christi. To be a good friend I will just be here to pick up the pieces when they realize it was the wrong choice.
Men are attracted to drama, it is so easy to see now. Why have I not seen it before. Brad brought Nicole around when things were good because he wanted shit to fight about, that is Nicole was always around she was nothing but drama. Jerry is with Laurin because that is all she is about. Even coming out of his mouth the only thing about her is good sex nothing else and that is not much of a skill because that has to be learned from practice which she has had plenty. But she always causes drama, either being drunk all the time, the money issues, the rockingham people she hangs out with, or the shit she is stirring up with people that mutual like me. Cory is the same. Christi caused a lot of drama between Ashley and him so it is just all makes sense. Boys love drama. It is sad. Well I can't blame it all on guys because some girls are just as guilty. Sarah for instance, back in January when she got too comfortable she stirred shit up with Daniel. It happens I guess. I'm starting to think people just don't want to be happy. Maybe it is a good thing I am alone because I don't need the drama. I'm getting too old for it, and it is just ridiculous.
In wilmington with Liz this weekend made me cry most of the time because I think I'm going to end up alone and one of those cat ladies with a crappy house and tons of cats to keep me company. Oh well. I think she is already getting annoyed with Matt, that disappoints me because why can't she for once just settle down. She complained about him singing or doing other stuff. That is nothing so I don't understand her. She is so lucky she has never been alone, and has all these guys head over heels for her because she just finds something wrong with all of them. It is just sad. I'm holding off on buying a bridesmaid dress for as long as I can.
I was drinking a code red mountain dew last night on the way to pinehurst from wilmington, and i had all these memories flood my head from ecu. Wow it was almost scary. I remembered a conversation between Cory and I while Thomas was out of the room about me needed to date him. Scary. Scary. Scary!!! Oh well it would have been great. But as I said before I will be there to pick up the pieces. I have been before.

is love blind

2009-08-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

ok i have to admit i have been watching some stupid show on tv now that i have it back again, it is called dating in the dark. People meet in the dark and have dates where people are judged on personality then they reveal how they look and they can either make a choice to walk or try a relationship. Is this what we have really come to, yeah i guess we have because this seems to be the case looks mean a lot. It doesn't matter that you feel comfortable or trust someone or enjoy their company all that matters is looks or other petty shit like money or who knows what else. Personality doesn't mean shit and it took me watching it on tv to realize it more. Actual connections don't exist only in the movies. FML

crash and burn

2009-08-23T19:23:00.001-07:00

I'm sore today from going out on the lake I got thrown off the tube so many times my whole body aches, it was fun though. All in all it was a pretty good relaxing weekend. I miss being at the lake all the time. I don't really miss "the company" all that much, just a tad. Oh well it was fun. I didn't get much sun though but from a dermatologist stand point that is a good thing.

I need someone to come rub on me!!! Uggh where is my Mr. Right?!?!

In other news, Sarah is now single and Daniel has gone psycho. More later as the craziness unfolds.

2009-08-09T05:43:00.001-07:00

Oh baby if I was your lady I would make you happy

well la te freakin da

2009-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

so tired, so bored ......... so broke

I have spent $600 in 2 days just on my car. Damn it but at least it is stuff I need. New tires and a new back break. I only needed one thank goodness but I needed all four tires, it makes a world of difference while driving, it is amazing. Too bad I don't have anyone to go on a road trip with me :( I need a vacation. Well I need a lot of things. As my away message said the other day I NEED that too, I dream about it all day. I have nothing else to think about on my long drive back and forth to chapel hill, I'm struggling with this shit, can't help it. It has been almost exactly a year since Brad and I broke up and he still talks to me. It is annoying he wants me to sent him pictures, absolutely not, he left me for the little midget he is with now I can't help that he doesn't want to look at her all the time. Oh well. I don't want him so she can have the asshole with no ambition in life, because she doesn't either. I only want someone that actually wants to do something with his life. Maybe he still exists.

I still wonder if Thomas is going to be right. Hmmmmm ...............

fantastic

2009-07-27T21:47:00.001-07:00

i'm exhausted ........ i need someone to rub on me ............. damn

even if it kills me

2009-07-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

"I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it"

"What if it was you?
You that I needed all along
I felt like a fool,
Kicking and screaming and pretending we were wrong"

in a motion city soundtrack mood

Had a lot of time to myself today, tried cleaning and reading to keep my mind off stuff. But I got back on the internet and looked at something that really just dug underneath my skin. Nicole had written that Brad sent her a text saying how much he loved her and wanted to be friends. I can't fatham him saying that, but then again he isn't the same boy I once knew. Is she full of shit and just saying this to make her self feel better because she is so self centered already? Why do people use the term "love" so loosely. I am still a believer that is shouldn't be said unless it is really felt. Maybe I'm old fashioned but this is my opinion. I have truly loved very few, 3, and I won't say it unless I really mean it. Ok just had to get that off my chest. Going to Becky and Aaron in Briar Creek then maybe hang out downtown with Stephanie. Who knows.

and now back by popular demand

2009-07-24T17:22:00.001-07:00

ahh fuck it who am i kidding?!? Yes i put my link back on aim just because "it is so much easier" to read about my shitty trials and tribulation. I was told I need to just write a book because people like to hear about my shitty life. It is really sad. Blah.
Once again I was asked for a favor by someone. Damn it. If I didn't care so much about him and his kids, I would have said no. Yes Cory is having problems with Ash again. I kinda feel bad because she is so horrible to him but then again ...... I just don't want those precious boys to suffer. Yes I hate kids with a passion but my heart wrapped around those boys, almost as much as their father. Uggh. I have to think long and hard about this one (hehe long, hard) Cory really does deserve to be the sole provider for those boys, he really is a great father and judging from what I have experienced in just that short time with him Ashley really has issues. Her issues need to be addressed with a quickness before someone gets hurt, I'm sure it has only gotten better since then. I kinda wish my dad would have been there for me like he has been there. *sigh* Oh well guess that is why I have such issues with men now. Thanks dad!! I'm still surprised that Ash pretty much had the boys all the time like she did. Still baffles me because she doesn't really work and she just didn't seem to me to be stable even mentally much less physically or financially. But what do I know, I'm just the cast aside. There are better girls that get the guy.
Drinks tonight was very well deserved tonight even though the waitress was a complete dumbass and doesn't know her ass from her hand. Whatever, I enjoyed the company of Meg, Becky, Leslie, Sunshine and Mary. They are great! And tonight has only just begun. Yep laundry and sleep, hahaha. I may go swimming with Leslie and Sunshine later at the Goldstein's, it will keep me busy for a little while at least. I'm so happy they are finally going to get married. I want what they have even after 6 years they are so in love......

Random act of kindness?

2009-07-23T09:15:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a really bad day with a bad migraine, I got taken home at 10:30 to pass out on my bathroom floor because it was cold, I woke up a few time feeling nauseous and threw up once, then went right back to sleep. Lora came over to take me to get my car about 6:30 and she made me something to eat. While we were eating I got a phone call from a number I didn't know, I made her answer it. It was JR a guy I have not talked to him since all that stuff went down freshman year in high school. It was a little nerve racking since I have been scared of him for so long. He called to apologize for all the shit he put me through back then because he said he was immature then and he has thought about me since then. He knows he hurt me a lot mentally and physically. He is married and has a kid now and seems to be doing well even though we was telling me about a girlfriend that he has now even though he is still married or something like that. That was just really awkward. I really appreciated the "I'm sorry I fucked up" speech though. Not may guys actually admit when they have done someone completely wrong. *cough cough* It was a good feeling to an extent. Just awkward!!
My head is still hurting today, I think the possible lack of relations and affection is not helping! Damn it!!!!!! This sucks!! Something has got to give. I deserve better than this.
I had another weird dream last night this one made me really happy. I got an apology from two different guys, and both wanted to be with me. Yeah I know it is just a dream. I did make my choice though and you would never guess who I picked. Can't tell cause then it won't come true. Hey a girl can dream and HOPE!!

it took a while for you to find me .....

2009-07-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

"why do i question love when it burns so deep inside my chest

can you please fess up because i can't fucking take it
i love you too much for it to be a lie
just give me proof say the news either way i'll cry and cry
if it's all a hoax i'll die
and if you're telling the truth i'll fly"

fuck it too tired and too upset to even type ....... fuck men, fuck my ipod, fuck it .......

i'm really not that mad just frustrated .... still can't believe my ipod just died, just quit having sound. It just doesn't make sense almost like what Daniel Lea was saying last night, when he kept talking until about 4:30 in the morning, about the opposite sex. Girls think men are confusing and men think the same. Just doesn't make sense. I'm straight forward at least I think I am. I know what I want and I have had it before they just didn't want me in return. Nothing like be told that I have horrible luck by my asexual friend at 4 in the morning. I like having a guy that will tell me the truth without sugar coating it, because he is not trying to sleep with me so I know he won't like to make me feel better. He did say that "the assholes" are missing out, yeah I am hard headed and stubborn as hell, but it is fun to argue with me and I am what guys want they are just scared to settle down. Brother type guys make me happy because they don't get jealous over stupid shit and they will be there regardless if you have a man or not. And it is great fun to argue options. *Sigh* I miss having someone to argue with. Yes that sounds stupid but I do. Play arguing is fun like where you are going to eat for dinner or what to watch on tv. Amung other things like physical contact ............... a fwb sounds really good right now. Actually not just no but hell no. I want the whole package, together even after the 12 hours of non stop ........... hahaha, but mainly I want it with feeling behind it, not just from behind. Damn I have a dirty mind.

i've had it up to

2009-07-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

I've had it up to .......... here?? well that isn't very far because i'm quite short

soo these past couple of days have been interesting to say the least ........ I had a blast the other night with the girl from work yes I drank a little much and made a complete fool out of myself singing karaoke but I still had fun none the least. I like the girls I work with I like my job I just don't like Chapel Hill. I'm completely lonely and it is really taking its toll. It is making me miss Brad, ugghh. I would much rather think about vomiting in a taxi ........ hahaha oh wait I have done that in the past 6 months. This is one time for everything. Being alone all the time just makes my mind wonder more and more. What could I have done to make things better? What could I have done for him to be with me?? No No NO Men suck. It is always the ones you don't want that want you and the ones that crush you are the ones you can't get out of your head.

I miss the days of nothingness where sitting on the couch watching football with a guy just made me happy. I miss fun times out, even when I get sick :( ooops!! When I get upset the alcohol comes in to play not a good mix. Bad Bad Bad!! Is there ever going to be a guy that just wants me for who I am and just be happy with me and not have to look for someone else?!? Is there ever going to be one guy that doesn't use me?! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok no more crap I'm going out for Blues Crawl, hopefully I won't be crawling too much and Sarah and I won't be crying in the street like last time. Good times good times!!

dream a little dream for me

2009-07-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

what to do, what to do

So many questions so little time. I'm seriously wondering about the future would I be right to move home because I'm so lonely, bored and miserable up here in chapel hill. If I moved home would that make things better? I would at least be around my family and my dog, but is the drive worth it until I find something else. I really like my job now when I'm not covering the front. Yes it is the same thing over and over again but I get to do more hands on and see someone of the weirdest stuff, it kind of interests me, sick I know. I still gross the girls out up front with my stories. I like helping people even though a lot of dermatology is just due to patients insecurity but some is beneficial, like skin cancer. Ok I'm rambling.

I had a dream last night about someone I have tried not to think about. Yep it was Brad. After that conversation I had with a drunk Sarah on my way back from Wrightsville, I got a little upset. She is just making stupid choices, why throw away a good guy like Daniel that does and will do anything for her, to "see" if there would be something left with Tim. That is just utter bullshit. It has been 6 years since you broke up let it go. I'm letting mine go. And of course she turned it back on me saying I would try again with Brad and I honestly can't anymore. He has hurt me so bad that I just am not willing to do that to myself. He has his little midget girl with huge yellow teeth that was scheming all along when I was nice enough to invite her places with us, she knew what she was doing I will give her that. And Brad is just a complete dumbass to fall for her, he always has made really stupid choices, which in turn I did as well. Never again will I give someone money and/or let them "use" my credit card because they got themselves in debt. Lesson learned. But back to what I was saying about the dream, I saw him in my dream on the day of my wedding, to who I have no idea and he was sitting on the front steps of some church crying saying he made a mistake. I may have actually woke up smiling this morning, don't really remember that though. But that dream just caught me a little off guard since most of dreams where there was a wedding he was the groom and I was in the white dress.... hmmmm..... Like I always say, oh well.

Sarah you need to leave that boy alone, he is only calling you now because he is single, and alone he didn't talk to you once while he was in a relationship that should tell you enough. Am I right or am I right? Don't fuck things up with Daniel because you may never find a good guy like him again, speaking from the soon to be cat lady (gag) that is always alone and doesn't have a man. Ha ha

uggh

2009-07-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

So it is 2:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Too much on my mind I guess. Racing racing racing. I love the beach it would be nice to share it with..... ughhh!

Jerry is having a rough night, he has a lot going on in his head as well. I think he is alright since he had someone to talk to.

This fucking sucks. Just sucks. Blah!

just too much

2009-07-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

too much work, too much alone time, too much going through my head, but too exhausted to type them all right now .......... bed for me

mind numbing

2009-07-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I guess a lot more people read my pointless rantings than I had previously thought. Not exactly sure why but ok. It is mind numbing I guess just to read about someone's shitty everyday thoughts and ventures. So yeah definitely wasn't a great day, don't get me wrong I have had way worse but it just wasn't fun by any means. Went to draw blood on a patient and his veins disappeared had to grab, midget #2 as I call her, Erin to draw it she ended having to poke him twice even then it was going really slow. Then I have a flat tire with a huge nail in the front passenger side, had to get that plugged and yes I did the stupid girl thing and drove on it until I got to the repair shop. The repair guy told me I will have to get all new tires soon, not good, low profile tires are expensive, then proceeded to tell me I smelled good, just a little weird. I was late to bed bath and bullshit, where I worked my ass off to get out as much shit as I could only to look at next week's schedule to see that they have me working both saturday and sunday. John explained that the ad is dropping next weekend ........ ok and??? They wonder why they can't keep anyone working there ..... because you don't give a shit about your employee's well being that is why. Expected way too much to get done, get mad when things aren't done, get frustrated when it isn't done quick enough, need I say more. Then schedule the people that are part time and only want a "few" hours for almost 20 and make them work both weekend days knowing they have another full time job. Just pure bullshit. I'm am honestly contemplating quitting maybe I won't be as exhausted and cranky. It will hit my wallet quite a bit but I'm weighing the options of money vs somewhat sanity.
Why is it so hard for people to understand me? I care a lot even when I have been crushed. Once I truly feel something for a person it is hard to let go no matter how much you have hurt me. I can't change the way I am, just like others don't change. I don't shut people out like others do. I give until I can't give anymore, this I am working on though. I have been used and walked on way too many times and trying not to let this happen anymore. I find it really hard to say no to those I truly care about. Example my sister, she like many others only calls when she needs something (I am not singling anyone out), tonight she wanted me to call her because she needed help with my music site and her external harddrive, yes it was little stuff but now I may not speak to her at all for 3 weeks. But I deal with it just like always. I can't help the way I am, I am me!! Take it or leave it.

So yeah

2009-07-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently people read my crap when they know I haven't written in here in a while. Kinda sad actually. I've been trying to just sleep away my misery lately rather than write about it or much less deal with it. I guess Cory was right, I am kinda pathetic. Oh well. Whatever he says. Speaking of Cory, he started texting me last weekend while I was at my grannys wanting me to go out in Raleigh I would have loved to but I was in Mt. Airy. I figure out why monday night. He wanted a favor. I was nice enough to call in a favor at Pinehurst to get him on a course that was all member times and he didn't even have the balls to say thank you. Followed by another text last night about me coming to the beach. I would have loved to go to the beach just like I told you last year when you had asked me to go before you little girlfriend came along. Why do you have to play games? Why do all guys play games?? It just baffles me.
I speak my entire 4th of July weekend at home in the Pines. It was really nice actually. I finally slept. Sarah, Kerry and I went out Friday and Saturday night. Saturday we watched the fireworks at Aberdeen First Baptist on the hill with Kerry's sister, brother in law Greg and their 3 kids. They were so cute. Their commentary was priceless. I believe I drank a little too much Saturday but it was followed by a day in the bed on Sunday not because of the drinking but for other personal reasons. My mind gets the best of me especially when I get to thinking about the past. It mainly started while watching the fireworks. This is the first year without Brad on the fourth of July. Why do I miss these guys? Why did I have to fall for them with nothing in return?? UGGGHH!! Just like I always say. OH WELL!
On a positive note. I really like being a medical assistant. I'm getting good at numbing areas and I still need to get more practice on drawing blood. It is educational and more hands on and I like it much better than answering phones all day and dealing the billing aspect of a medical office.

random thoughts

2009-06-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

I was just bored and took a stupid quiz on facebook "what is your theme song for your life":
"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield
The I-Live-Life-To-The-Fullest-And-I-Am-HAPPY type! You live life to the max, and you live each day like its your last. You forget the rules and just go for it, and want to experience it all before it all disappears... Your life is a book... and your writing it! Love it, make it, work it, and shape it... you make it what YOU want! Don't forget a happy ending though!

I find it a little odd because I don't really go for it like I believe I should. Maybe that is the way I truly need to be, just aw fuck it and just be impromptu rather than making plans. Maybe I should just be more spontaneous. My happy ending is always going to be in the back of my head, I just have HOPE that it comes true one day.

2009-06-03T19:15:00.001-07:00

I guess it is a good thing all the past men sucked so bad because I don't seem to have much time for even myself now. Wow I'm exhausted!!

FML

2009-05-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

meet me half way .......

I'm tired of working at bed bath and beyond and seeing all these happy couples that are getting married and all lovey. Blah!!!! I quit. There isn't someone out there for me, I just have to get use to it.

sooo tired

2009-05-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being alone .......

I have only lived alone for a week and it is miserable. I am not someone that enjoys living completely alone. I'm starting to wonder if I am more miserable up here in chapel hill more so than I was at home in Pinehurst. Yes I do not run into Brad at all which is great but I don't run into anyone I know at all up here. I miss my friends at home, I miss my family (cause Lora doesn't give a shit), I miss my Zoi, I miss the Pinehurst water as well. Blah!!! I like my job up here at the Dermatologist though, Bed Bath and Bullshit still sucks up here even more than it did in Aberdeen. Why can't they just have someone full time in Sanford so I can just go home? I'm going to hope for that anyway. That is all I have to keep me going these days ....... HOPE!! I hope that I can find someone that is good to me and won't use me, I hope that I can trust people up here, I hope that I could find some true friends up here. FML

could have been ....

2009-05-25T12:59:00.001-07:00

So let me get this straight ..........

Great lyrics .......
Yeah, I'm not angry
and no, I'm not upset
it's taken me awhile
but this is what I've learned
emotional attachment is really not a threat
when I'm simply not concerned

The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
will ever be content
with the way things are
or with what they've got
so I've given up and now I'm just indifferent

I'm all moved in, just there are boxes everywhere but I'll get around to it.

The museums were fun with Becky and Aaron today. They are such a cute little married couple. I'm really not surprised that Meg didn't come..... Oh well. It definately brought back memories from last summer though. It has almost been a year since I have visited the museums with a certain someone, the "now me" Jordan, and the "one he wanted to marry" Nicole. Fucking cockass! Damn.

Last night was kinda fun too. A night of margaritas and wii was much needed.

p.s.

2009-05-24T15:57:00.001-07:00

Sitting at Tristan's waiting for my laundry I watched 2 movies, only because you have to run the damn dryer twice which is complete and total bullshit, but whatever. After watching the end of Get Smart, I went through the movies on demand and saw P.S. I love you, I can't remember who said they watched it and liked it but yesterday was not a good day to watch that. It is a really good and sweet movie. Once again it got me thinking about stuff from the past. Damn the sappy movies, this is why I usually don't watch them because they just make me feel worse and more depressed. FML

A few thoughts that came to mind while watching are as follows: I'm sorry I was always angry with you. I'm sorry I did appreciate the little things you did. I'm sorry I wasn't always there when you wanted me to be, sometimes I just needed a break from the married life of being up each other's ass all the time. I'm sorry I bitched at you for giving money to your mom, because she was too lazy to get a job when we were struggling to make ends meet. I'm sorry for loving you as much as I did without showing you enough.

And now while I'm on the subject of appologies, to those I have hurt:

James: I'm sorry you want more than friends now, but you fucked up the first time. I can't deal with a cheater and there is nothing there now other than a friendship. Although I still love when your mom cooks for me when I'm in town.

David T: I'm sorry you didn't understand that I wanted just friend especially when I told you that from the VERY beginning. Yes, I did tell you everything, and we were really close. I'm sorry I cried to you as much as I did. I trusted you enough to stay at your house after many a night at Brooks and then Bell Tree. Ryan can still say all he wants that I lead you on but I told you in the beginning and a few times in between that we were nothing more than friends.

Heath Hayes: I hurt you a lot and I'm so sorry. I still don't understand a lot of our relationship though. I know you hadn't had a girlfriend in a really long time but it was just really hard. I did enjoy the dirtbike stuff though. I am sorry that I compared our relationship to the past. If I was able to fix sometimes I would. You are a good guy but with a temper that was sometimes hard to deal with. You are obviously doing much better now. You have a girlfriend you love and she is just as happy with you, she was even obsessed with you when we were dating, and you have a cute son and you know I didn't want kids.

Daniel: I'm sorry I didn't hardly give you a chance. I feel so bad because I was just lonely and you were there at the right time. I'm a horrible person for this. It was just a matter of convienence. You annoyed me at times because you were like a lost puppy and you followed me around all the time. You had no backbone and didn't stand up to me in anyway. I need someone that can stand next to me not someone behind me.

And to those that aren't on this list, I'm sorry .....

pathetic

2009-05-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Wow some people just never cease to amaze me at all. I'm "pathetic", I find that quite humorous. I just write down my thoughts a feelings, on this stupid site, if you ever so choose to read it then fine, but it you feel the need to comment about someone else being childish there comes a time when you need to get rid of your guilt and just grow the fuck up.
Margaritas was much needed after today at the cdc. With my oh so lovely blog comments, being yelled at by a patient "I HAVE TO BE SEEN TODAY" because she is crazy and has a NEW mole that she didn't notice yesterday .... uh huh. A lady getting mad because her son "had" to get back to school for a very important class and Dr. G was behind. First of all, it is not that serious why was this kid not scheduled until after school was out, there is only a few more weeks, and lady just because you have money doesn't mean you rule the world, take a valium and calm the fuck down. Only time will tell, oh the stories I'm going to have being a MOA, actually getting to be back there with the patients. Wha had happen was ........ oh the stories ...... you have a genital wart, where? no more strippers for you ..... Also I won't have to deal with the chair hopping, feminist, that says I'm cute and wants to hook me up with her lesbian friends. Gross, go buy a bra, shave and ps I like dick. I will honestly become a nun before I bat for the other team. Great stories, ranting, and a little "bloody hell", with Meg, Becky, Katherine, and Sunshine (Martin), just can't beat it. My abs still hurt from laughing so hard. Yar!!

interesting

2009-05-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

The good girls finish last, while the others end up pregnant and/or married 2 or more times.

Reading some lovely comments left for me earlier just got me thinking about people and relationships. Do people actually go for what they really want or just convenience? Look at the girls at work. Meg keeps talking to this jerk from SP that does nothing more than scream at her for being close to her brother ........ weird. Olivia is dating Kirk but she still thinks about Jeff, which she saw on Saturday at Applebees. And the other I not going to name because he thinks I'm "childish." Is it all just because that was just there at the time? Or is it all because we secretly don't want to end up alone? Is is just fear that drives us into the arms of some. I will admit I have done that twice and I hurt 2 really nice guys. But it was just convenient at the time and I was lonely. No more of that. I don't want to hurt anyone else, they way I have been. Another thing, if you come out of a marriage, do you gravitate towards those that have done the same, I have seen this on more than one occasion, including this weekend. Charlotte was out at the Belltree Saturday "celebrating" her divorce but she was with a guy that just finalized his divorce not even a month ago. Is this the way people think? I have never been married so I have no idea. One breaks up so I have to get back in another? Screw that, I say!! I will stay single until I find someone that just isn't a "convenience". But that is just my opinion. I thought no one actually reads my ramblings anyway. Because it is my thoughts and feeling written down, not to bash anyone. This is my thing, I thought that things were more than what they were, it happens, yes I did want more and you seemed to as well, so I thought, my mistake. It is MY feelings. If you don't feel the same then so be it. And if you can't deal then don't read.
I have talked to Brad a few times this past weekend. He must have been extremely bored, and of course I'm sure "that girl" is working. But I think I pissed him off enough with my last comment to stop him for a while. He has a girlfriend so he needs to stop talking about the past and "things" we use to do. He has no intentions of anything, nor do I ever again, so why does he bother me. On a positive note, I don't get all anxious when I talk to him anymore, it is just disappointment in his way of life and decisions. So good luck to him and everyone else for that matter.
Nickolas has called a few times, he seems nice. We are going to get wine on Wednesday so it will be nice to have another guy friend and knows that is all I want. I like "friends", less stress without emotions. There will be no more "emotions" for a long time. And you can absofuckinglutely believe that. ;)

much too deep

2009-05-15T18:40:00.000-07:00

Questions are all my life is based on right now.

Where am I going to live?

Why do people always push away those that care for them the most?

Why does my ex text me with shit I really don't want to hear, and why is he dating a girl that pretty much sounds like me but left me for her?

Why are some people so selfish, one including my own flesh and blood?

Why do I care so much for people that don't give a shit or appreciate anything?
Lora, Cory, Brad, Blake, my parents ............ and the list continues

I have too much going through my little pea brain, way too much!!!! For once why can't my life just be simple? Just once. Jeesh!
One day Lora will realize that the world does not revolve around her. Her friends will let her down, her family will always be there but the more she pushes away the farther I will go, and be gone. It isn't just her though it seems to be everyone I come in contact with, I give and give and it means absolutely nothing. I'm about to the point where I'm almost sorry that I care so much for most people, even when I truly shouldn't. I know I have said this before but I really should stop caring. But just like being angry and hurt that just isn't me. I care too much for those that walk all over me, I love too deeply, I give everything, my all, when I feel and know it is all worth it.

2009-05-06T08:46:00.001-07:00

Land of tornadoes, margaritas and spider bites

So yeah, Cory you are correct anger does not suite me, happiness does and that has yet to happen lately. I'm just frustrated so much because of people in general. I am a generally happy go lucky and nice person but this has seemed to get me absolutely no where!!! Maybe I really should just become a bitch, ha who am I kidding I could only keep it up for a day then my conscience would get the best of me and I would feel guilty. Boo for having a conscience. But just like I say about most things, oh well! I like what I heard over the weekend that I had my "claws in him", meow!! funny things funny things!! Some people just amaze me is pretty much my explanation. I also ran into brad while I was working Saturday, uggh am I ever going to get a break? Hope he is happy, although he looks terrible but maybe that comes with his happiness, so be it. Random moment "everything's gonna be alright" is the song that is on right now in the kitchen at work. I start BB&B up here tonight oh joy. I still need to figure out where I'm going to live. And these spider bites fucking itch. Oh the joys of my stress. I miss the days when I had something and someone to look forward to so all my stress just melted away when that time or person was around. Sigh.

On a good note I do have a place to stay for another month and I do get a promotion to the back at the dermatologist!

They lied when they said that the good die young

2009-04-24T14:57:00.001-07:00

of course while I'm sitting here just thinking "clumsy" would come on. :(

This is my little outing of frustration session with the past men that have hurt me .....

JR - I hope you are happy with your wife and children. I hope that you aren't beating the shit out of her too to where she is scared to death to have her wrists held. I am still terrified of you.

Antonio - did you really think i would still date you after your own brothers told me you slept with stacey bailey. Then expect me to really want you after stalking me for 2 months. Seriously. Not sure what happened to you after your house arrest and those kids.

James Anthony- "you were lonely" that was the most ridiculous excuse i have ever heard. I came home every weekend and talked on the phone with you crying every night which is one of the main reasons my grades were so piss poor. And now even still you say that you haven't loved anyone else and really dated anyone else because may be I would come back. Am I really suppose to believe that. Fat chance. You'll find someone that wants a redneck with no ambition in life but to ride horses and drink beer all day since that is all you do now.

R. Bradley - "clumsy" is really what I was with you. I liked the song even before I knew the true premonition of it. You fed me lie after lie. 6 long years of lies. Maybe in the beginning you really did love me but why you stopped I'll never know. I gave everything to you. I changed a lot and grew up, which you know nothing about. I still miss you and just the stupid things you use to do to make me laugh. And you always would do something to keep me up and moving. You made me actually feel comfortable naked and that was a feat all in it self. You would say things at the right time and you knew me better than anyone, you would get stuff that you always knew would make me happy. I miss the stuff we would randomly do like go to the park or to the covered bridge. You said we started out as each other's rebound before just to hurt me. You said it was jealousy that ended us, which always sends chills down my spine. When you get a matching tattoo and tell another girl you love her daily that is more of just a lack of respect on your part. Then you end it with the most degrading bullshit I have every heard, I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore after a week of non stop, all because Nicole said some thing about a chance, but then turn around and cut her off for Jordan. I hope you stay happy with that for the rest of your life. And it is fucked up that you said, just yesterday, I deserved all this bad shit for hating you. I could never hate you, I am just disappointed in you for all the shit that you did to me. I loved you, you were my everything. You have emotionally scarred me for life. I thought there was nothing better than you. Until ....

Cory - I honestly thought you had changed, and thought you could see a great thing when it was put in front of you. I thought the lying and using was over, after you got married and was hurt. Being cheated on hurts, and I hope to never be in your shoes with a marriage broken. I was there for you, or at least tried to be. For the record you are still hurting good women in your life. The ones that truly should matter. I was completely true and real with you, there was no sugar coating, well there wasn't on my part. I didn't really want or ready to date again. But I let my guard down for you in more ways than one. The want for not dating anyone went out the window. I cared for you, your children, I didn't really say much about the smoking other than just the occasional joke. I did love you, and I don't say that often at all. You gave me the butterflies that I hadn't felt in so long, 6 years long. I just don't understand. I guess everything you told me was a lie. Great feeling let me tell you. "She is a psycho. you are the best sex I've had, I really care for you" and my favorite "I don't want to date anyone" Blah Blah FUCKING BLAH. Good luck with everything and I hope she enjoys laying still on the fiber bed I got you for christmas, since you said she doesn't do anything. I believed you to be changed and a good guy. I enjoyed our times together even though now when I look back on it, I guess you were using me for sex. Oh well, it is in the past and ps it was great!!! What I said the other night stands true. William Cory Burell I love you, and I would have be great for you. I miss you!

Now to those that I have hurt, I am truly sorry.

Super just super

2009-04-16T08:44:00.001-07:00

So I guess I have done something so terribly wrong to deserve all this. "it is what it is" That is all I get, yep you haven't just hurt women in the past you have hurt ones in the present as well! Such as life! Great feeling swell over me when I think of being used yet again! My heart is fragile and it was given ever so carefully. Blah!!
DMB will be interesting now that pushy Danielle is going and just invited herself just now the nerve of some people.

get out

2009-04-15T18:43:00.001-07:00

Get out of my head and my HEART!!! I want you there more than anything, but you do not wish for the same ..........

I care for you! I care for you I care for you I care for you. Shit maybe the quote I heard last night should be what I live by from now on, "try not to care too much, and you won't be disappointed". Fuck who am I kidding. I am who I am, and I'm not going to chance. Eventually someone will see me for who I really am and accept and love me. Maybe Tristan will be right and some "light eyed millionaire will walk in and sweep me off my feet." Hahaha fat chance!! It is fun to think about it though.... Ahhhh dreams ;). I don't really want the millionaire part money only cases problems. It would be great though!! Hehe. The light eyed guy to sweep me off my feet would be ideal. Do dreams really come true?? I am forever the optimist that one day .......... they will. I don't really dream all that often but when I remember the good ones I always have hope. I had a really good one about a week ago. I can't go into details otherwise it really won't come true but it involved a romantic gesture and an sincere apology. No names given though, that is only left up to the imagination. But damn it was a good one and I believe I actually woke up smiling. :)
All quiet on the home front, dude man isn't here, no telling where and that girl went. Why are all his friends obnoxiously loud talkers? I don't understand it. Speaking of quiet, why do I constantly get the question, what is wrong when I am quiet. I just don't want to talk about my stuff right now, that is what this measly blog is for, that nobody read. Sorry blog didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just don't want to talk about "me" in front of people anymore because it just doesn't help. They can't help my financial situation, where I'm going to live, my doomed non-existent relationships, and my lack of communication with my family and friends because they are all so "busy".

Ok back to one of my favorite episodes of sex and the city where Big actually admits that he is in love with Carrie and goes to Paris to get her back. Ahhhh once again ....... dreams!!!!! I have hope!! Sometimes I think I get a false sense of hope from watching these shows because in these shows men do realize their mistakes and own up to them, and go back pretty much on their hands and knees to the ones they hurt so badly. Yeah these are mostly written by women, but sex and the city had masculine input as well. So maybe just maybe it can happen!!!! Optimism at it's best!!

sun and stars

2009-04-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

"i know the sun will rise, just the stars in the skies"

So I've been thinking a lot, there isn't much else to do to keep myself from breaking down from frustration. Lora has fucked me, she doesn't want to "stay in this small town". I have to figure out a living situation for June and quick. Damn it. Sometimes she can be so selfish, it is all about her and her only, even our mother agrees. Oh well I figure something out ........ hopefully!!!

Loneliness sucks ass. I am grateful for my friends, even though most have been really distant lately. I still would like to find someone to spend my time with, that I get excited to see and get the butterflies again. I have yet to find that again. Why do men have to be such assholes. Speaking of assholes, one still has not called me or so much as text me. Oh well, I guess he is happy now with whatever situation he has gotten himself in this time. I still know I would have made him really happy, and there wouldn't have been so much drama swarming around him ......... Like I said before, oh well. I still miss him a lot, scary part is I kinda miss him more than Brad even now. Don't get me wrong I still think about Brad all the time, but even so I still entertain the thoughts of him, and how things could have been. Why can't some people take a joke or not take things too far? So many questions and still no answers!! It is spring time once again and all these people are getting into relationships or getting engaged. Blah!! I loved those days!! I miss those days of just sitting around with Brad being together, or going to the zoo or going to the park. I guess I can say "horse teeth" is lucky to have him, even though he was a complete asshole for a good bit of time, he had his sweet moments, and he always knew how to make me smile. *Sigh* So long as he is happy, which according to him, he is. I thought I could have had that again. That is what I get for thinking. Damn it!

Work is still there, nothing too special, other than listening to everyone talk about their stuff. Olivia has too many "men" but only wants one that is using her. Micki is dating a new guy where her excuse today for not doing anything was her man was there too late last night. Becky, well .........she reminds me a lot of Nicole grrrrrr.. Meg, and her brother fighting over her niece which she takes care of ... strange.

im not ok, trust me

2009-04-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

So I did have a little bit of fun this weekend. I didn't really get any sun, because it was too cold. Liz is happy, and Matt is a really nice guy. I'm happy for her, it just makes it hard. My weekend was kinda full of disappointment as well. Seeing Liz and Matt was hard. All the kissing and lovey dovey stuff just was a slap in the face. I didn't get a phone call or anything from my father nor another guy. I heard from Brad, James, and Heath though. James and Heath called. Brad text me all day!! A few of my other friends sent text and I got a couple of messages on facebook. God I miss being happy with someone. I cried myself to sleep Saturday night, it has really been a shitty year. I turned a quarter of a century, I have been screwed over badly by two guys I really cared about, lost my job, moved, started a new job, having to figure out myself all over again ........ all around just shitty. I have nothing to show for any of it, except for a heart that is in so many pieces I'm not sure it can ever be put back together..... Shattered is an appropriate word for it. It was almost mended because I felt so strongly again but shattered it became once again. Too many times this has happened, too many times.

so yeah

2009-03-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

so i missed watching the game last night and going out to easy's. I got to pinehurst around 7:30 starting a load of laundry and completely passing out. I haven't been this exhausted in a long time. My body aches, my head hurts, and I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I have figured out what I want for my birthday, I want a dinner with everyone. That is it. I have come to figure out that I am never going to get what I think I need. And especially what I want. I have given up completely ........ Oh and it is official, Liz is engaged. Yep I give, throwing in the towel. I have loved too much to be loved again. I have thought that some people would be great but I have been let down. I just give.

the drive

2009-03-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

happiness is not a fish you can catch

Driving to pinehurst and back was an adventure. People really don't know how to drive in the rain much less when it is clear. oh well the wheels are continually rolling in my head as well as the pavement. back to pinehurst tomorrow because i have to work saturday and possibly sunday. At least I get to suuport Tony tomorrow night at easy's. Ryan, Tony and some other guy are playing there tomorrow night. Sarah, Daniel Lea and I are going to watch the game mainly but I'm sure i'll run into quite a few people tomorrow night. Should be fun.

Lora asked me tonight what I wanted for my birthday. I know what I want but I just can't have it. Damn getting old.

Now bed

plague

2009-03-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

can you make a mistake and miss your fate?

This question is like a plague. Well it definitely is for me and I wonder about others as well. Could I have missed my window? Could I have completely fucked everything with the one I was suppose to be with? Shit I'm fucked. Uggghhhh!

I'm going to stay up for a little while well at least try, so I can pick up the Lora pieces that are going to be all over franklin or rosemary st. She went to the concert with John. Why does the glutton for punishment run in the family? She beats herself up, and doesn't stay away when she feels strongly, it is almost like looking the mirror. which brings up another question ....... is it smarter to follow your heart or your head? Just because I have hope, I'm going to say heart!! I'm going to stay hopeful and positive.

white flag flying high

2009-03-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

"ease my troubles that's what you do ........" yeah the song is still in my head from when I woke up. Don't ask there is really no telling why I have been singing "have i told you lately" by rod stewart, just woke up singing it. weird.

The white flag is flying high now for me, I surrender. I have done just a lot of thinking and this is the only way I know to deal.

I talked to Kevin the other night and he gave me a little hint into man law "which is against the rules" but the guys never pick the good ones. I guess I'm fucked. Damn it

I spoke to brad today and he was being a smartass. He said the only way I was really fun was when I was naked. Grrrr asshole! Yes he was kidding but still ...... grrr. He said I was a gorgeous girl and I will find someone that appreciates me one day, I just have to keep my head up. He misses me. Oh well. Feelings for him have gone and it feels so good to say that. If only everyone could get over their ex and still be civil the world would be a better place. Ha ha!! It took me a while to get here but I feel really good about it.

Manners was a topic of discussion with Sarah at lunch time. It is an interesting thing to talk about. Some people don't have them at all. I have them when I want them. She was talking about the comment made by her mom on Friday at Dugan's and Daniel's hat, and eating with his elbows on the table. I ate with James the other day and poked his elbow with a fork so he would put it down. Isn't it all in how we were raised? Why do some people know when to take their hat off when entering a building and others don't, or know what fork to use and stupid stuff like that. I guess I have been lucky with those aspects, Brad was good at that, I taught James, and well that is about it. We need to work on Daniel that is for sure, well Sarah does I have no place to say anything. I'm single. Errrr.

I'm soooooo tired!! But I have 11 more days to go until I get a day off. Then I'm headed to Wilmington for wedding stuff with liz. And possibly dinner for a day I don't really celebrate. It would be great to hear from someone before my birthday because I really would like to enjoy a dinner with him, my best friends and my sister!! That would make my birthday more fantastic than any other birthday. I would enjoy being around the people I care for most!!! That is what I want for my birthday it is decided. I'm being optimist, it can be a great feeling!!!

is it possible to stop loving someone you truly love, despite reservations, some would say that's where the "unconditional" part comes ~ my quote for the day

oh and an update on will ......... he has pnemonia, why do people have children if they don't take care of them ....... the saga of the worthless unfit mother continues

tired just tired

2009-03-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

So many things running through my head but I'm so excited it is just isn't worth writing about it right now. I will say that sexist asshole really need to be shot. I don't care what religion you are. It does not mean you can put me down and second guess me just because I am a woman. Stupid bastard, at least Barry backed me up and told the man I was right and I knew what I was talking about. Ok bed ..... 7 down, 12 more days to go before I get a day off. Oh well keeps my mind busy! Then Wilmington and another bday filled with disappointment. Good night! MMMmmmm bed .......... It would be nice to share my nice comfy bed ............. ZZZZZzzzzz.

hospital really?

2009-03-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Talking to Sarah last night made me think a lot about how self centered all of us really are. She called me so upset because Will had to be hospitalized, due to dehydration. Seriously? His mother is so involved with herself that she hadn't given her kid food and/or drink for almost 3 days. She is that involved in herself and only herself. Sad really!! Sarah had quit working for her and started working for another family full time because of better pay, better hours, and just more all around perks, but that is still no excuse for not taking care of your child because your nanny quit. We all look out for ourselves yes, some more than others, but really when you have someone that is dependent on you shouldn't you put their needs above yours? I don't have this so I'm not sure. And also according to some people I do this anyway. I would rather some one else be happy and get what they need than whatever it is I think I may need. I care too much, but its alright though not changing that. I'm not a kid person but I damn sure tried to be for who I thought was right and I understand more than anything family comes first especially when children are involved. Why do others that actually have the children not think the same way? I'm confused .... Each of us, worry so much about ourselves that we do not see what we do to the ones that depend on us, and the ones that loves us. We all need help but are too proud to ask for it. Emotions are on lockdown because of this as well. Why shut out someone that is only trying to help, someone that would love more than anything to be with you and be around you. This can be taken so many ways. Right now I mean it 2 ways. Laura is so focused on herself that her only son is in the hospital because she neglected to give him food and drink, she is too proud to say she is a horrible mother and doesn't care about her son. She shut out Sarah because she was upset with her for quitting, when all she had to do was ask for help. The other way well .... that will have to be explained later. All in all I guess I'm saying life is precious, don't overlook any of it, don't shut out those who actually care, and god forbid Laura get your head out of your fat ass long enough to give your child a damn drink.

THE END

CLEAR

2009-03-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

So I talked to Brad yesterday. I'm in search of answers. I'm tired of bullshit. I'm getting too old for this. I'm not a child anymore nor will I act like one. I don't "flip out". Ask Brad he only saw me flip out once and he was thrown against the wall but that was also 4 years ago and he called me a "fucking bitch", because I didn't do what he wanted me to. I respond quickly before I think about things or I make a joke about it and laugh it off, secretly crying when I'm alone. Brad and I talked for a good 30 minutes, we are civil. I have realized I really don't care that much for him anymore like I thought I did, yeah I'll always love him but ehhh now. I'm guessing that is a good thing. I did ask him what I did wrong in our relationship and he said the jealousy issue with Nicole. I knew that but I explained he will never understand how much he was in the wrong until it is done to him. And we called a truce. He proceeded to ask me also why everyone thought he was in love with her. Ummm let me think about this one. First I asked who was everyone ...... Jordan (current gf), David, Michele, me ...... and the list goes on. I just said well if others said the same thing I didn't need to explain but I did anyway because he asked. He would jump and run whenever she wanted, he said he loved her, he got matching tattoos, he said he was going to marry her .... need I say more. He said that Jordan was cool and wasn't jealous, and my response to that was yeah she doesn't have a reason to be Nicole is out of the picture. She was the only threat. I also asked him for his insight to my situation, he was a little taken aback by the things he heard. A lot of stuff that I usually don't want or care for, but he said he noticed a little something in my voice that was different as well as though I actually might really like this guy. He even called me a hypocrite because of the hell I gave him about Mary Beth. He didn't give me any advice other then to just leave it all alone. I'm really not sure if I should completely take that advice from the one that literally broke my heart into a million pieces but who knows .........
I don't love easily, I don't fall easily, I don't give easily and I damn sure am not going to fail. So I'm just going to enjoy life everyday from now on. I'm here, single, I know I am good for whoever wants to see it, I will make someone completely happy when they are ready. I didn't want a relationship at all until someone crossed my path, I had sworn them off. What the hell changed? Why have I gone against everything I said I would never do? I guess just thinking about it all the past couple of days, I just felt like there was something there, something that would have been great. Something told me that ..... well shit I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess I was blind to the fact that I saw someone that was great for me, made me laugh, saw me, knew me, was honest with me ... so on and so forth. Oh well, I'm going to be a happy girl now, cleaning and watching basketball. My brackets are doing GREAT so far!!! Makes me excited.

oh and btw (yes I'm using your terms ...... hahaha) there is a response to your comment from yesterday!

fuck it all

2009-03-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

fuck the heart

So judging by the reaction I got yesterday. I was right. Used used lies lies lies. Whatever. The best was right in front of you. But you don't see what you have and never will, go for the Ashley look alike that you did nothing but talk shit about all weekend. No flip out needed from me. It isn't worth the time. I actually thought things would have been great between us had you got your head of your ass for a little while. I am amazing whether you chose to see it or not. I cook, I clean, I'm great at other things. I'm not crazy or clingy. I was everything you needed. Oh well. Tough shit. Can't take a joke? Well obviously it was something you shouldn't have been doing at the time. Guess I was right. And so is everyone else you were bad from the start. They all wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you have changed and you were actually a good guy and could make someone like me happy. Uhh yeah ........ I guess not. Ok now that is over. Soul searching for me. I thought I had found someone that I was meant to find, someone I was meant to "be there for". God or whatever being there is above had a different idea. Whatever I was suppose to learn from this shit sucks ass. I'm getting lost for the rest of the week. Peace.

2009-03-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

"fucking cocksucker, fucking cock ass"

Gotta love tenaious d sometimes, i use to hate him but it made me smile when i heard it earlier on the way home. What a shitty day!! I'm still tired, i'm moody (not sure why), confused, a little pissy. Just all around shitty. Came in to work and I had to train the new girl "because olivia and micki were "busy" bs. Stupid patients. bs Still had to answer most of the phone calls because heaven forbid the 2 friends actually stop talking to a few minutes and get shit done. bs. Poor Meg was in a bad mood. Sarah wasn't there. I spilled my pasta all down the front of my scrubs, including my only lab coat. Can't wash them because I dont have the code to the laundry room. fucking bs. And all this just before 12. Ugggghhhh!!!!!!! The rest of the day didn't get any better.
On the other hand. I'm tired of drama. Drama at work, drama outside of work. I want things straight forward. I know what I want, so if you don't want that then get the hell out of my way. I had a good weekend or so I thought. Yeah I got sick. :( Still really really sorry about that. But I did have fun, I didn't start drinking that much until I really felt uncomfortable. I didn't like the stares I was getting. It is not like I asked for them at least I don't think I did. I care for Cory but if I'm going to get eat shit and die looks and shit talked about me, I will have to say something. I don't deal with petty girly jealous bullshit. Just not me. If he doesn't want me to I'll bite my tongue but only for a little while. I can only "deal" with shit for so long til I'm completely done. I don't want to reach that point. But it is very possible ........ very soon!!!

steady now

2009-03-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

"clear"

I'm exhausted. mentally and physically. this weekend was weird. friday was frustrating. and nothing good has happened so far this week. yes i'm being vague. i hope something good happens for my sister with the stupid asshole situation, she reminds me so much of someone right now ............. deep breath ...... me!!!! Aaaahh not good not good at all. guys suck ass!!!!!!!

now bed

when

2009-03-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

when does what I want actually come into play? Am I ever going to actually have one thing that I want?? Just one????

to be real

2009-03-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

Watching sex and the city made tonight even harder. I'm alone. Completely alone. In a different town. I spend too much time in my room, lonely. My birthday is coming up and it is going to be worse than the past couple of years. I'm going to be 26, a quarter century + 1. I'm having a shitty couple of years. I need something to look forward to again. I miss having someone there. I don't have a man that loves me and wants to be with just me. I deserve to have someone that does not lie to me, treats me with respect, someone that love me for who I am with all of my flaws. I deserve to be completely happy. I have had so many bad things happen these past couple of months, it is time for something good. Brad hurt me so bad. I loved him more than anything. It still hurts to think about it. I have hope that there is an actual guy out there, that will make me forget about Brad. I thought I had found that guy, but yet again I was wrong, but it seems he is in the same category. Maybe Sarah is right. I do look for the guys that are unavailable, whether it be emotional or whatever other way. I want honesty, compassion, real passion. The passion was there with Cory, the comfort was there, the happiness was there, just the honesty, commitment, compassion, was lacking. He really did make me happy. I haven't had that in a long time. I would have overlooked the smoking, been there for his kids, even though I never have wanted any, overlooked a lot of things, because he did make me happy. Damn men are confusing.

fuck my roommate is having sex again ............. damn it now I'm really lonely.

so over

2009-03-04T15:43:00.000-08:00

how is it my weird lanky roomie is having more sex than me ............. grrrr

sooooooo over .............

is timing everything?

2009-03-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

"What are you afraid of?" Hmmmm So many questions and no answers.

People make mistakes. I'm willing to overlook one. But only when there is a certain amount of circumstances met. I'm so scared to reach out anymore without falling flat on my face once again. Hard enough to break my nose. Uggh!! Why do people have these feelings? It is all bullshit.

Chris came to visit. That was nice. He still annoys me. Once again questions enter my head. Why is it "those" guys that show interest. Blah. Ever since I moved up here, I have been pretty bored and lonely. Oh well, I will get use to it. There isn't anyone other than one I want to spend time with. But he isn't making an effort .....

chances and change

2009-03-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

There are only so many chances one can give another. A chance to make things right. A chance at something new. A chance to be happy. A chance to change. Do any of these actually come true?
Listening to the girls at work this morning talking about Olivia and her husband just made me think a little bit about this. Her husband just got out of jail (strike one) and seems to want her to be all this stuff that she is not. He is doing the same stuff someone I knew did. Made her feel bad to make himself look better. Put her down. Told lies. Wow it is all bringing back bad memories. I didn't see it at the time, but after years of mental abuse I have finally seen the light. I feel for her and her 2 kids.
Another question I have is do people actually change for the better? It seems all the ones I have seen change haven't been anything but bad. There are very few that come out in the positive.
I have accomplished the chance at something new. I have moved, got a new job, and escaped all my negatives of Pinehurst. When is it my chance to be happy. I thought there would be a light at the end of the tunnel with some answers. Yeah it is only week 2, but I'm ready for the change. The happiness that I haven't had in so long the chance at so many things. I thought I had found this in someone but sometimes things just don't work out the way we hope. I really felt in my heart things would be good. I am even willing to overlook a certain fuck up. Oh well.
My knight in shinning armour is out there somewhere. :)

I love the tanning bed just for a random ending to this shitty post.

firsts

2009-02-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

Well today was my first day at the new job. It was interesting to say the least. I just hope I don't screw up. I have to learn a whole new system that isn't as easy to maneuver as I'm use to and I have to get use to the dinosaur age with paper charts. Maybe just maybe I can't convince them to upgrade. Having to track them down and all that shit. This will be interesting. I just can't screw up. I don't know if my heart or my hair can take anymore worrying or screw ups. I'm not sure if the next time I fall I can pick myself back up. It has been a hard year. With Brad doing the shit he did, losing a job, the situation with Cory, starting a new job, moving, uggh. I believe I can deal, I just need something to look forward to again. I enjoyed those days when I knew there was someone that wanted me to be around and was happy to see me. Those were the days ......... sigh

YOU

2009-02-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

"you just want to be happy for a minute". Well guess what, don't we all. I will help you. Jesus open your eyes!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

2009-02-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

"I've done the merry go round, I've been through the revolving doors, I feel like I've met someone I can stand still with for a minute. Don't you want to stand still with me?"

Well apparently not, on so many levels. I have tried to stay so positive. And now look at the shit. That is all it is. SHIT! The fucking people I'm subletting from put some kid in the other room, without so much as an is this ok.
My sister is in her own little world, she is taking the break up hard. She is shutting me out (sounds familiar). Can't say that I blame her at this point in time because that seems to be a trend. Hmmm let's just give up and do something completely fucking stupid rather than working it out or trying something new. WOW, FUCKING WOW!!! Why is it that men fuck everything up? There are a lot of "fucks" in this entry. Hmmmm.... Yes I am that annoyed. Despite it all something is telling me to still try and make it work. What the hell? Why pursue something that doesn't want to be pursued? Is that even a word? I don't give second chances often but something is telling me I should. What why should I because the one that fucked up isn't going to give that chance. You fucked up now fix it. I did nothing wrong why am I the one pissed and hurt? All I deserved was a chance at what now I'm not sure. Ugh. Like I said in a previous entry I would have made you happy. Oh well.
What the hell is up with the texts? I don't understand why send me a picture of stuff "we" were looking for, the past 2 summers? I don't get it. It was pool toys. Yeah you learned to swim from me and my mom. You have "moved on" so leave me the hell alone. Wake up everyday to that, if that makes you happy then so be it. It was a waste of 6 years with me, if that is what you want, downsize. Ok I'm done with that.
Sarah sent a text about Daniel today, once more an idiot guy. He HAD to move back in with his parents because of his lack of funds, but he got his tax check and went out and bought a new lcd tv and stand. Yeah moving back home isn't that bad, unless you knew the whole situation. His "mommy" wants him home every night even on weekends, usually early and she calls him all the time to check up on him. Then when he says something about marriage to Sarah and she says "no", not until he is financially stable he gets upset and doesn't understand. His mom doesn't help the fact either she bad mouths Sarah for no reason, probably because she is taking her wittle baby away. Gag!!!! He is 24, give him his balls back and let him grow the hell up.
Ok I think I'm done for a little while. Going to attempt some laundry so I can take it with me tomorrow.

fast pace

2009-02-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Everything is moving so quickly, it is almost unreal. I have a place to live, I have a new job. All within 2 weeks. It amazes me really. I believe that is why I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. Frustration and confusion play a part as well. I want my sister to move with me so I don't have some random person, uggh why does she have to be so stubborn sometimes. I love her but damn. It will all work out in the end is what I keep telling myself. I start work on Monday, I hope I am what they were looking for. That frustrates me, my sister frustrates me, men frustrate me is there ever an end. Why the hell did Brad start texting me the other night wanting to be my friend? Why now after almost 6 months? Whatever I'm not going to read into it, not worth my time. Why are others being so weird and distant? I just don't understand. I know what I deserve and I want, you don't. A chance will go a long way, there buddy. Try it sometime you might like it.
Sarah and Daniel went with me to Chapel Hill to get the key today. That was interesting. I really do have the greatest friends. Yeah we did get a little lost but it was fun. We went to Southern Seasons, Sams Club and my favorite Target. I got a lot of "stuff". Sarah bought me my first broom and map. He He. Daniel can be whinny though if he doesn't get his way. That is a little annoying. I gonna miss them though. It is just going to be hard to start all over. Sarah needs to move up there with me. Brent is going to help with moving some stuff next weekend. I now also have tablet and pen for my grocery list. I'm terrified!!!!
In other news, Liz is getting married. I never thought I would say that, but it is true. I'm glad she is happy. I'm going to be the maid of honor. Scary thought. I don't do well with weddings and gushy stuff so it will be interesting to see how this pans out. I will do my best.
Lora ex is a dick, at least he had the balls to give the gifts back but really come on now. "I just don't have time to be your boyfriend" that spells ASSHOLE DICK FACE!!!! How about here is a suggestion, try making things work before just quiting. Hmm what a concept. Moving on ....

short man syndrome

2009-02-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

I experienced a ridiculous case of short man syndrome today which waiting to get my tire fixed at jason's tire today. This boy, had to be about 24 came in with his grandfather to get his car looked at. The loud (notice me) talking to obnoxious phone calls to his girlfriend and the smartass comments to his grandfather just annoyed me. What it is with guys under 5' 5. They all have this really big head like they are something. I don't get it.
In other news. I accepted a job today at Central Dermatology in Chapel Hill. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. My sister isn't using her brain, not a huge surprise and won't move in with me, she doesn't want to hurt the guys she really doesn't know. HMMM whatever. I will live on my own. Something I have never done. I'm nervous because it is something i've never done. Never been completely on my own, I always lived with someone else. Not going to be able to eat for a little while, but I will be alright.

I hate valentine's day!!!!!

crushed

2009-02-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

So everyone pretty much knows what happened Friday. I am still really bummed about it. It still hurts they didn't just let some of the other people go that don't work when they are there. Oh well I guess. There is nothing I can do about it. Netta hated me from day one anyway, it was easy to see. I just have to pick myself up off the floor and start all over. I seem to be doing that a lot here lately.
I didn't do much on Friday but cry. It was really hard not too. I have to get back out there though and find something much better. That also seems to be happening a lot.
Last night was kinda rough though. I did finally go out and get out of the house. I went by Jerry's and sat outside and talked to Laurin for a little while. Then we all went to Bell Tree oh joy. I talked to Tim for a little while, he is in the same boat I'm in. Except he has those expectation that Lora did. To find the perfect job right out of school. I guess I can't blame them. If I had a degree I would feel the same way, I guess. He and I also talked about relationships. He kept asking me about the people I've dated and how many times I've been hurt and why I've given up. Three times is too many. I was only "in love" with one of them. But one of them I know things would have been "amazing". This was brought up later in the night as well after we all went to Broad Street and Cookout. Sarah and I sat in the car and talked until 4:30 this morning. We talked about pretty much everything relationships. About how I honestly believed things would work with Cory. I genuinely had feeling for him, it wasn't because I was lonely or looking for something. But I guess Sarah is right he was just looking for a rebound that is why he has backed off and is now seeing someone else that also needs a rebound. Yes I'm hurt once again but I know what I deserve, he is not to be the judge of that. I know I deserved a chance, and I could have been beyond happy, and he would have been too. I don't fall easily or fast by any means and I know that may be a problem. I had something to look forward to on the weekends and it felt so good and right. I guess that is what he wants is a rebound and rebounding with someone that obviously is having separation issue is the right way to go. UM NOT SMART. When you have someone giving threats that is really something to pursue. Yep and way to tell me the truth that I already knew about the "drinks". Sarah and I also talked about Brad for me and Tim for her. I can say I'm over Brad and mean it this time. I finally admitted to her and myself that we were never going to be anything, no marriage, nothing. I will always love him but there will never be anything else there. It feels great to say that. Sarah is having issues with Daniel right now just because he is still so spoiled and self centered. But what guy isn't?? He doesn't want to hang out with anyone but his friends. There has to be some kind of compromise. I'm ready for a chance.
I will be great. I will find a great job. I will find someone that can realize a good thing in front of them rather than push away.

the queens

2009-02-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

Sitting here at the front desk here in Cardiology is really interesting. I'm am currently listening to the conversation between Ebony and Wendy, and WOW just covers it all. I honestly don't understand how one person, well ok two can have that much drama all the time. It is constant, seriously all the time. When things are good I think they create more just so they have something to talk about. It is almost scary. Now apparently Eb has cancer, she hasn't gotten the results but she just knows it is. Yep ok. Wendy did get good news today though, she had a mammogram and it was good. So that is plus.

The interviews went alright yesterday. The first one ran late so in turn I was late for the second one. Uggh!! I really didn't like that, but oh well what can you do?? Hopefully I will get good news back at least from one of them. Supposedly they are both to call tomorrow. I'm not going to get my hopes up too high but I'm still excited. Ready for a fresh start!! I deserve it. Yes this is my blog I'm aloud to be a little self centered. :) I still hope my sister will budge on moving outside of chapel hill. I would kinda like to live on my own but money would be the issue. Kinda scares me, well "in all honesty" (i use to hate when Judy Cox said that) it terrifies me. I know I can pull it off I just may not get to eat for a few months. Hmmm.

fuck the snow

2009-02-03T21:23:00.000-08:00

Ok so it is snowing yet again outside and that makes me pissy! I finally get not one but two job interviews tomorrow and it is going to snow. :( Just my luck. I'm just not in a good mood I guess. Frustrated to say the least. I want to move away from this town. I want to start over. I have to get away from the assholes. I need a change. Staying here isn't good for me anymore. I have to move on and move up.

Speaking of moving on here is my little note for another guy that has let me down in my life.

Dear who I thought was a Prince Charming,

Thank you for making me feel so good when I was around you and giving me those butterflies I never thought I would get again. I actually cared for you a lot. Then completely doing a 180 and becoming shady and none existent. Way to go! I am amazing and would have done everything for you but tough shit, you fucked it up.

nothing but love, me

things i would do

2009-02-01T10:01:00.000-08:00

If given a chance ...

1. i would not nag about the bad habits, i would make smartass comments about them but that is a given .... it is me we are talking about
2. i would support you in every decision you make, after putting my insite in of course
3. i will clean and sometimes cook, i'm still working on the cooking aspect
4. i will do the grocery shopping, i don't mind this as long is it is not walmart .... grrr
5. i will not nag about stupid petty stuff
6. you will have my trust until you break it
7. you will have my heart well what is left of it
8. i would do what it takes to feel your needs ...... hehe
9. i would let you go out with the guys and not say a word unless you had lipstick all over you then i would have an issue
10. i would not be jealous of guy time
11. i would try not to be jealous of all the other girls you talk to because i knew you were with me except when lines get crossed like they have before but not until then
12. i would give great massages when they were needed
13. i would sit and watch all sports (even baseball .... yuck), even cheer against you!!
14. i would be there for you even when you have a horrible day
15. i would listen if you needed it
16. i would take some criticism not too much though
17. i would work to help pay all the bills
18. i will not get upset over the past, it is the past for a reason as long as it does not repeat itself.
19. i will try my hardest to be on time when we have to go somewhere
20. i will give a little push to do better and find ways to help you do so, not bitch about it
21. i would find your favorite type of beer and make sure it is always in the fridge
22. i will not say anything about how much money you waste on "man things" you work for "your" money so spend it on what you like, unless it puts you in debt then i will have something to say
23. i would make you so happy, i promise

chest heaviness

2009-01-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

So I have had this really heavy sinking feeling in my chest the past 2 days. That typically happens when I'm about to be hurt yet again. And just like always it was right. Apparently someone had a date last night. Yep I figured it out. Hope it went well for him. But there will never be another girl like me. I was the best for him. I was there during most of the shit, and would have been there long after if he had even given me the chance. I am the best girl any guy can ask for. I laugh, joke, smile, and do whatever it takes. I am a catch. Or so I have been told. Oh well his loss! He will realize it it soon enough. I am better than any other girl. But once again my heart is broken.
I got flowers yesterday from Chris. I'm tired of people asking me why I don't date him. If I don't have an attraction other than friends I'm not going to ever again. Been there done that and I'm not hurting anyone else. Friends are friends nothing more. It isn't fair to me or them. He is a friend and that is THE END!! I also found a grey hair, ugghh. I have worried myself grey. Damnit when it is my turn?? I deserve so much better than this. I deserve to be happy!!

i'll be fine

2009-01-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

"Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine"

Today hasn't been bad. I just have been really annoyed with my coworkers and their lack of common sense but what else is new. Being able to just sit alone in my office does wonders. I enjoy it. I feel really tired. I haven't slept good lately if at all. My mind needs to just stop, or get some answers, it might do wonders. Maybe I'll go run this afternoon. It won't make the answers come but it will keep my mind thinking about something else for a least a mile. I have to get back into shape. I don't like the "round" shape. So not good!! I feel like a whale. I have always had a bad self image but it is really bad now. I guess I'm just having issues because I feel like no one wants me. Uggh! I need to get in some sort of routine or something. I need something or someone to look forward to ....... BLAH!
I realized I have a few great friends. They have been there when I need them and even when I haven't. I am so lucky!! I don't let many people close to me, I guess I have been hurt so many times before.

ouch

2009-01-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

"nice tight jeans" ................ ewwww

So today I played secretary all day for Jess, since Madison had pink eye. I did nothing but try not to touch my eyes all day. That is such nasty stuff. I don't miss working for Dr. Cowherd and Shelby, that's for sure. For the rest of the week I get to be Jomara oh joyous day and work for that beyond lazy Dr. Davis. Woo hoo can't you feel my excitement. Negative. I was talking with the girls Ebony and Wendy, yeah they can be alright sometimes ;), I realized they are just as lonely and as hurt as I am. Ebony called off her wedding because her man is too lazy to get a "real" job and not live with his mom. He is in his 30's I might add. And Wendy has resorted to personals and blind dates. EWW not good. I think I stick with sitting at home beating myself up thank you. I did a little bit of that yesterday. I rearranged furniture in my room which meant uncovering quite a few books that Brad had bought me and just little miscellaneous stuff. They meant so much to me and he knew me that well that it just makes me scared I will never find that again. It is was just little stuff. Pathetic I know. I said I was beating myself up, wasn't joking. I know I can't help what happened because he really didn't love me but it still hurts and makes me wonder what I did so wrong for him to "still be in love with me" but not want to be with me. What ever the fuck that means. And seriously what is it he sees in horse tooth is beyond me. But whatever makes him happy I guess. It hurts me still to say that.
Lora got another job this time it is with the EPA making 18.26, what kind of shit is that. I hope she actually can do this job not sure if she knows what she is getting into, I believe she is just looking at the money. Which I can't say I blame her. When will I get lucky, damn it. My time will come. I still need to move.

i never learn

2009-01-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win.

"Yeah sure" This is my response for everything at this very moment. I'm tired. Tired of stupid people. Tired of stupid mistakes. Tired of being sympathetic to those who don't need it. Tired of people taking advantage of me. Just TIRED!!

You reap what you sow!! Kevin told Sarah and I last night that Amber's pregnant. Big surprise there. The girl that is psycho and keeps finding ways to make you feel like less of a man, because you aren't being there for "her boys" that aren't yours might I add, is now knocked up with another child that is going to be brought into this shit of a relationship. Yeah way to go. High five on how fucking stupid you really are Kevin. And when you try to get some sort of reaction out of Sarah and I, all Sarah does is talk about herself. Not seeing the connection here. You knew when you did the deed there could always be an outcome, so there is no big surprise there. Wrap it up and there would not be a problem. Wow so simple a thought. I unlike Sarah don't think she did it on purpose to "trap him" but he knew what he was doing just as well as she did. And he wonders why I don't care to talk to him that much anymore. Tired of stupidity. Enough said.

Bowling was fun, made me kinda miss going up there 2 nights a week. I didn't bowl too bad. It just went downhill from game one though. Damn my thumb swelling. 174, 157, 134. Not too bad.

I need to move!

you could be happy?

2009-01-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head

So something sparked interest today and yesterday, the stupidity of others. We did end up getting snow about 4 to 5 inches of it. It was gorgeous I will say that. Yes so I was informed since I live the closest to the clinic I was expected to be there how shitty is that. I have a 2 door, 2 wheel drive, stick, how does this make sense? So on the way to work I couldn't get up the small hill in front of the new (pointless) roundabout in front of the country club. It took sliding backwards, a few choice words, and almost running into a mini van to even conquer that hurdle. The rest wasn't that bad I slid a few times, nothing I couldn't handle though. It was interesting and a little scary to say the least. Once I finally arrived I found out I would be on the other side in EP where all the internal medicine secretaries didn't come in either. So I learned quite quickly how to schedule for them, didn't really have a choice. We only have to stay for 2 hours but it was just long enough to annoy me. I left there and slid home and left again to go help out at bb&b. I really shouldn't have. Yeah we got a lot of things done and the managers were appreciative but the fuck head decided to make an appearance with his midget g/f. I was standing in cookware when I saw Jordan and Michele wake by. I felt nauseous. I disappeared upstairs. About 5 minutes later in walks the asshole and David. They took forever to get out. I was so frustrated because they had to know I was there, my car was parked right out front among the 12 cars in the parking lot. I was just feeling betrayed once again. Why am I being punished? Why does none of the relationships I want to work fail miserably? I guess it is me. I just want so bad to make other happy I end up hurting more than helping. I'm just a failure.
Today was frustrating as well. Kristin told the other that didn't come in yesterday that I was upset about it. The one comment that got under my skin, "I wasn't going to risk my life". Oh ok can we say self centered? I guess the rest of us that actually came to work, I guess our lives weren't at risk or worth a whole lot to you. Mmmm

snow?

2009-01-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

Well supposedly we are suppose to get all this snow tonight, but that is still yet to be seen. I'm being a optimistic pessimist today. I have given up on the fact of something serious well .......... you know. Detachment is my remedy. I am still looking for another job though, ready for a change. It will be good for me! I have to take control of my life because I'm in a slump. I was all excited about the weekends before I guess because I had something and someone to look forward to. OH well. I'm a strong little girl and I will manage I always do. Daniel Kellis and I had a pretty deep conversation today. He said I didn't deserve the things that have happened to me, he said he still cared a lot for me and the only thing I ever did wrong with us was break up with him for Brad. Although there was a span of 2 months before that was official. I just didn't want any grudges and I know I hurt him. I just felt better after we talked a little about it. I'm still trying to figure out what is so wrong with me for no one to want me. That has yet to be determined.

blah

2009-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

So this weekend has been pretty uneventful but I'll take that as a good thing. Friday went to dinner with kristin at outback, had a drink at chili's with the other kristin, bryce and mark. Then I got talked into going to bell tree and broadstreet. Oh aren't I just the lucky one. It wasn't too bad. We stayed at bell tree for probably 20 mins then headed to the oh so classy broad street. Well a little good came of it, chris (ashley lawhorne's ex) appologized about the whole run in from last summer where kevin had to pull him away from be because I was crying so hard. He was just upset about the break up he had with ash. He appologized for upsetting me especially since most of it wasn't true. He said "anyone was stupid for not wanting me, because I was gorgeous." That was a shock but it made the situation a little better. I left early to avoid the always present question, can you drive me home.
Saturday Sarah, Daniel and I drove to Smithfield. It was a pretty good day. I enjoy their company even though I always feel like the odd man out, or the third wheel. I had fun though, it was a long day and I will still a little hungover from the night before. I didn't really drink much but boy did I feel it the next day. And I was proud of myself I didn't spend that much either, just bought some clothes for work, and a clutch ....... :) I send Cory a message and asked him if he would meet us so I could get my pea coat. He met us at Crabtree for dinner everything was good. I miss him. He really is a good guy.
Today I have done nothing but laundry and clean. I did talk to Dr. Ambati this morning she called about 10. I miss her. She is doing well at her practice in Apex now. She wants me to come work for her. Hahaha I don't think she could afford me and give me the hours I desire though. Still made me feel good. Still thinking about finding something up that way though.

The End of a Shitty Week

2009-01-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

Monday- Yep the start of another week. Woke up with a major headache just as a start to a terrible day. I was still a full moon to say the least. People are just stupid and ignorant. After finding out that the cashiers at Walmart back in 2004 can’t type in a driver’s license correct, in turn embarrassing me to no end the night before because I had a declined check the night before. I never write checks but still didn’t have my new debit card. 2 checks had been written and someone pegged my DL. What the fuck. I knew it wasn’t me but it scared me because others had access to my accounts before …. All day long that is all it was, pure ignorance. From coworkers and patients alike at the first job. I lost count how many times I got asked stupid questions or overheard the stupid answers that my coworkers gave. But this is not unusual for this place. I have to hear also everyday from a certain person oh me me me. Everything should in fact revolve around me. I had cancer, I did this I did that. I think this so you should too. Once again ignorance. Then came the news about the email..... uggh not even going to go there in this part of my rant. Bed Bath and Beyond, I got a lot done because I just wanted to be left alone in my own thoughts. I hardly spoke to my coworkers and boss, very unlike me. I was lost in my own little pea brain. All to end with “I just want to be left alone” …….
Tuesday- my oh so lucky day to play secretary. I remember why I wanted to leave that job. It was a day to throw daggers one after another. Jess called in because she had a migraine. Dagger number one came in about 9 after her doctor’s appointment to where she may have hold on for this one, cervical cancer. Hmmm did I have a scare with this one not even 2 years ago? Wait for it, yes I think I did. One test coming back positive only to wait for the results of two more test a week and a half later that ended up being negative. It is scary too but you deal with what you are dealt. I didn’t cry to everyone I knew and wanted sympathy from it. I dealt with it on my own, it was my body I didn’t make the choice to have it but I have to take what is thrown at me. I sent her an email and just let her know that I’ve been there and I would be there if she needed me. Dagger number 2 came when a patient checked out and had me silently holding back tears. Speaking with Ebony and Wendy mainly. She was talking about relationships. Yep my favorite subject these days. The first dagger that was thrown came, why are you single and not married? Now the stab in the heart that left me bleeding profusely was if you are with a man for over 3 years and not married then you are never going to marry that person. This was shoved in my heart and turned about 6 times for all six years I suppose. That hurt. All to have a few more daggers stabbed and thrown including, love is a fading trend. They said that love is sometimes impossible to find, if it is ever even found. I second that. I already realized that nothing has changed since I was out there. Between the personal phone calls and not doing anything I guess being at work and doing a job is not possible when you have so much “drama” going on. I understand that you can’t afford a phone and much else for that matter but being on the phone all day at work with your man and family is just unprofessional. That night I was alone again in thought at Bed Bath and Beyond. I just went home and cried until I feel asleep.
Wednesday- Frustration of changing codes at work. Damn you Medicare!! I hate you! I listened to people and their shit all day long. I also listened to one of my coworker’s that is so mean to her man and she really doesn’t know how good she has it. She screams at him for the dumbest things. In turn he just deals with it and gives her whatever she wants. He gave her a credit card with $100 on it just because “she didn’t have any money”. Give me a break seriously. I love her but she lives at home doesn’t pay bills other than car. She uses her man’s money to buy gas and makeup. Seriously?!?! Groan. Some of these girls I talk to and just listen to day to day don't know how good they realy have it. Perhaps I'm just jealous. Yep that must be it. At lunch I sat here in this lovely little office with Mike and he just drilled me, question after question on why my life has gone to shit once again. Only to ask a few questions that made me take that step back which I dislike doing and ask myself is it worth it. I like to think it is. Then the conversation with Sarah that just drives me more into that hole I’ve been digging. Do I really seek out those relationships that are doomed from the beginning that are just a looming failure from the start? Do I actually set myself for failure every time? I like to believe that I don’t. I want to see the good in everything. Yeah I am usually beyond pessimistic but I’ve tried my hardest to be optimistic for everyone around me so maybe just maybe I can pull myself out of this slump. It seems to be working for the others I help out except the one that matters the most, myself. I went to sleep at 8:30 this night just to avoid the thoughts going through my brain.
Thursday- just a blur of numbers and letters at work that I am not going to even touch. Pacemaker, stress test, office visits, g codes, v codes ….. done. Confusion just isn’t the word for this code you have to add another one, for this one it has to have a /25 blah blah blah. My sister got a job or so she informed me through text message. That is all fine and well except for the text that followed. “How would I go about asking for the most amount of pay possible?” Seriously? I love my sister but there are times when I wonder if she is ever going to step off that imaginary cloud that floats high above the rest, she has been on for 21 years. She better be happy they offered her a job at all fresh out of school. She has been babied for so long from my parents that she really has no clue what the real world is really like. She is in for a wake up call if my parents really do completely cut her off like they said they were going to. She has been out of school for a month now and has maybe stayed at home possibly 4 nights all together. I guess according to her out of school you are suppose to make 6 figures , that only happens to very privileged few. She actually came home last night just to be leaving again today. She comes home to wash a few clothes pack a bag and leave again. Sitting at Sarah’s last night didn’t help a whole lot either, the silence was actually broken but a little of my anger showed and now I will be paying for it once again. I just wish for once my feelings can be considered.
Friday – hooray finally the last day of work for two whole days. Can’t you feel my excitement? Yeah it more like sarcasm. I am going to be at home all this weekend more than likely. If I do go anywhere, someone will want me to do something for them. Just like Bryce said on Sunday, “Kristin and I were hoping you would be the DD.” What the fuck? The only real upside is I get paid, in turn for it to go right back out to bills but at least that will be taken care of for now. That is a plus. I might even try to pick up my book again. I would like to get my pea coat back and maybe talk about a few things with a certain someone but then again I can only hope. In my case hope is all I have at the moment. It is what drives me. To end a positive note I am going to call Dr. Ambati this afternoon and see what she is up to, maybe she has some good news about a job and a place to stay. Haha once again there is that little word that I have been clinging to, HOPE. Now time to give my keyboard even more of a workout just mainly the number pad.

Proof of Destruction

2009-01-16T01:08:00.000-08:00

Ok so I guess ripping myself apart is so much easier when I type it and read it back to myself, so writing it down for the world to see is my way of dealing. So be it. I was sitting at Sarah's earlier just choking back tears as I sat there and watched the petty shows of Greys Anatomy and Private Practice. Why is it they play on the narrow minded, like myself? It makes me look at my life and just say how sad I really am. Yes it is just a drama and these people aren't really dying but it makes you think about how petty your problems really are, which made me cry even more especially the fact that I have done so every night this week until I fell asleep. Self destructing is my way of dealing with everything I guess. And this is my way. I get a "few more inches taken off of me" with every frustration and every failure. I may be down to nothing soon but oh well.
6 years!! 6 years I was with someone that I believed loved me and would do anything to make me happy. 6 years I wasted trying to please someone, wasted so many tears, so many kisses, so many screaming matches, so much money. 6 years, I thought would never end. I would have done anything and everything for Brad. I loved him with all that I had. He was my heart and soul, just for him to rip it all away in a matter of days and not even care. 6 years I looked into those blue eyes and wanted nothing more but to took at them for the rest of my life. The beginning was rocky because from the way he put it "we were each other's rebound". I wasn't sure what I wanted and neither was he. It just kinda happened. I wasn't looking to date anyone but it just fun in the beginning. Taking a chance. I kept my guard up for only a little while because I felt I could trust him and for a long time I did. I fell hard and I almost never do. He did everything right. He would say the right things. Do the little things, call to say hey, send flowers, rub my head when I had a bad day and tell me everything would be ok, starting my car in the mornings, etc. I lived with him and still part of me misses that. Waking up beside someone everyday was a great feeling. What the hell happened? Why do people change? Most of the time not for the better. This was the truth in his case. He starting keeping things from me, lying, being the guy he always said he wouldn't. Why did these things happen? I know I shouldn't but sometimes I still blame myself for some of it, even though I know I couldn't have prevented 90% of it. Yes, I did push back a good bit of the time because I didn't agree with many of the things he was doing. Sending messages to people I didn't know (especially girls), telling other girls he loved them, getting matching tattoos, keeping secrets, not to say that I didn't feel jealous (I had good reason) but if you truly love someone you don't do stuff like that. So I guess he lied to me all along, he never really did.
Letting old emotions flood back from years ago don't tend to end well either I have come to realize. 2001 was a long time ago and I have changed a lot since then so has many others. But when you cared for someone then and now they have turned into a much better person regardless if they believe so or not makes for a hard situation. The only reason why I didn't act on feelings from so long ago was because of what was then happening I really didn't agree with. Drug use, smoking, drinking all the time was not my ideal guy but the person that did all those things was fun and made me feel comfortable all the time. All those factors wasn't much of a turn on so I kinda turned to his friend, Thomas. Sad I know. We all have our stupid mistakes that was one of many. When I got a call back in October it was weird seeing an old friend that I use to have such a good time with, Cory. Yeah seeing him was even more weird. All grown up and family man now. Scary! The last person I would have ever thought to get married, and have 2 kids for that matter. So getting to know this person all over again made a lot of those old feelings come back and new ones form. But that is not possible due to the fact he is still not ready. I understand. It hard to just hold back feelings. Have you even told yourself not to want someone? Yeah ok, not that simple. This is the only time I haven't compared someone to Brad but it would be nice to feel like I was with someone. I ate, drank, went to sleep and woke up to a relationship for so long, I just feels weird. We all have problems, I've tried to tell him this and I more than willing to be there to help him work through his. But I can only be there when he lets me in. Moving on is the way ........
So yeah I've been thinking seriously about just uprooting and moving. Maybe to escape my demons, maybe to just start over. Who knows, I haven't really decided yet. It is hard to get completely over someone when you run into them, and you avoid most of your favorite places to keep this from happening. Cause heaven forbid you run into his stupid 28 year old going on 12 self and his 21 year old Japanese hooker tattooed whore of a girlfriend. Yeah I know I'm still a little bitter. I might be running away according to some people but what do they know about me and my situation. Maybe it really will be good for me. I don't want to leave my best friends behind but maybe for once I need to do something for me.
Distancing myself will help I guess. Letting feelings go. Occupying my time, with what I have no clue but I will find something. I need a hobby. I kinda liked the one I had every weekend for the past 3 months but I can deal. Maybe I just need to become a nun, sorry guys I am never going to bat for the other team. Then I wouldn't have to worry about the stupid relationship drama or having to deal with feelings and emotions towards the ones that don't have or want to it to be mutual. UGGGH!!

Reality of it all

2009-01-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so it has been a few days of silence. Usually I don't let things bother me like this. But I feel like I'm being punished, once again. Just a little incite to what is going on. Cory (an old friend from ECU) and I have been "seeing" each other since October. He is going through a messy separation. Ok that is fine and dandy. I've tried to be there and be understanding of the "taking things slow" but it is all relatively bullshit now that I think of it. I guess I can just chalk this one as a loss among all my other failed relationships. I really cared for him too. The "lets take things slow" portion of our non existent "relationship" was no slow about it. Not to say that I didn't enjoy every minute of it but I'm venting here. My feelings were no where in this "relationship" anywhere. Never considered by the other party. This may be why he is not speaking to me now because he doesn't care about any feelings other than his own and the "ex" Ashley's.
Speaking of the oh so lovely ex, I can't bash her because she has done little to me. Yes, she may have completely ripped me to shreds in her "email" that she sent to Cory Sunday night but I have done little to hurt the relationship that she already trashed between her and her husband. I have no sympathy for people that cheat on a spouse, or significant other for that matter. If you feel the need to cheat then don't be with that person ever. So there is no going back once the deed is done. You can't go back in time and change things so what makes you think that person can change.... hmmmm. So why is it she was saying bad things to Cory about moving on already .... hmmmm let me think ... didn't she already do that?? Wait that is it, by george I think I got it. Once again it falls into the do as I say not as I do.
Ok back to my little self pity session. I'm just having issues with this silence. I have done nothing wrong but care and possibly love him. Not exactly sure though. Mike (my brother as I call him) asked me yesterday if I did love him. My response was I was unsure if it was love or just infatuation. I would have to think about that one more. The way I felt was possible love when everything was good and I was with him but during the week not too sure. But that would be the way my life goes. When I actually feel more than I should it all falls to shit. One step forward and about 20 back. Never in the right direction. Where in this pathetic excuse for a life is the word happy going to become a key player again??? Is it ever going to reappear or am I constantly going to be punished for some unseen crime I committed?
A little upside to this little tiff. Sarah and Daniel are planning on going to Key West in August would be perfect. It won't be that expensive but just finding the money on top of my already looming bills may be the problem. If only I could just disappear now. Although come to think of it I have kind of cut myself off of the outside world already. Going to work then straight home and just going to bed because I don't want to deal with my problems.